I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize