everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
