went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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