At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
