Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
