He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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