I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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