He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
