On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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