Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
