"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
