Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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