This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Farmville is her only friend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
