yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
