Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
