I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
