I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
