I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
