i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize