wakey wakey hands off snakey
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
