how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
