I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
