so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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