How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
