I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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