I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize