I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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