I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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