I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I think im going to throw up on grandma
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
