More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
