I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
