Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
