when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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