I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
