god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
