I accidentally had phone sex last night
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
