i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
