I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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