If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
