then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
