I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
