There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
