she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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