i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
