I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
