I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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