I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
