i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We talked him into tasing himself.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
