dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
