Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
