The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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