I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
