So drunk its hurt
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
