if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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