im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
