she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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