Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
