I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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