Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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