We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
